Everything f**ked up! Wherever I see, I see bullshit all around... I bang my fist on the table. How can life be so cruel to me? I walk through the broken brown pieces of glass on the floor. Those pieces of glass have something very alike to the condition of my heart. They are hurting my bare feet. I don't notice. I am devastated. In my hand I find the easiest way to get rid of this agony- 9 sleeping pills… The city with golden streets has started appearing blurred to me. I wipe my eyes. Guess what! This is for the last time I would be crying. I smile. But then, is this for the last time I would be smiling too? My feet resist moving ahead. And I realize that I've collided against the window. The incessant rain and thunderstorm were both testing the strength of helpless trees. But still the lashing wind failed to dry my tears. One pathetic sight slowed down my heavy panting till my hands reached to wipe my tears. A mother wailing over the death of her little puppy, desperately trying to keep its dead body warm, in futile hope to hear its heartbeat just one more time…
Mom. They are all the same for their kids. Be it the case of the dead puppy or the dying me. Kind, loving and always worried about her little ones. Even a bruised knee of her baby can set her heart into agony. Sacrifice is just what she has been doing for the happiness of her little children. Had promised myself to fulfill her every single wish when I came to know that my first college fees were the result of my Mom's sacrifice, when she mortgaged all her gold. Never did she have a single drop of tear, but the brightness of her son's future in those gleaming eyes. A pill slips away from my fist…
A pillar of strength and solidarity is what makes a family complete along with the bonding of emotions. My father, a person who always has a dream woven into his eyes to see his son as a successful human being. He has spent his entire life in making the things easier for me, so that his son wouldn't face those challenges of life he went through at his stage. I want to see my dad proud. Pill no. 2 falls down.
And how can I forget that I've a little brother too, to whom I'm no less than a father and as good as a friend. That little boy would go mad and get crushed if the support to his roof collapses. I want to see him in the attire he, as a child, always fantasized of. A white apron with a stethoscope hanging down his neck. So is the case with my old Grandma, of whom I'm the summer smile and winter warmth, who used to stay awake throughout the night telling stories and lullabies. I've promised her a trip in an airplane with my very first salary, for which she eagerly awaits. Two more pills join the pieces of broken glass...
Friends. Friends again, who are with you all along the autumns & blossoms of our life would never like to remember a guy who always laughed and made them laugh, left them in between just so mercilessly. Am I really that cruel to turn their laughs into cries? Won't this step of me make them hate all those fun-filled moments and blissful joy we enjoyed together? I need to stay for them. My fist now encloses five sleeping pills. Along with these blessings-like friends, I'm a part of someone's breaths and beats too. It would be so unfair on her part if she finds me missing forever, leaving her cellphone with the photographs of all the lovely times we spent together, and heart with a never-ending pain. It would be such an inhuman deed to destroy the life of the person who made you experience all the colorful music and musical colors, showing you how beautiful this life is! I love her, and one more pill escapes my loosening fist.
I walk to the next window. I get a closer look of the heart-broken mother on her puppy's death. She kept on trying, trying till the end. She fought for the life of her baby, though she herself was aware of that bitter fact. A beat of hope was all she desired- A life for her puppy. Have I also fought with life with such an instinct? Ain't I too carried away that even an approaching ray of hope would run away? I close my eyes. With a deep breath, a pill escapes from my hand.
I open my eyes to realize that that the dark clouds have parted away.Darkness engulfs me no more. The storm and rain have both subsided into stillness and peace. The 'helpless' trees were now once again standing tall and strong on their firm-rooted base. The ethereal moon-light brought with itself a lesson to learn: Time, good or bad, never lasts for eternity. One just has to stay firm and strong like the trees. The fighting spirit needs to be kept alive & put in the efforts till the end, even if you feel sure you are going to lose anyway, and that’s when destiny may surprise you. When you are badly tested by the circumstances, that itself is an indication that the goal is nearby. Just keep going with patience beyond those dark clouds. The darkest hour of the night is always followed by brightness. One more pill betrays my fist, two left…
I walk through the room. Moonlight follows. Closing my eyes I lean on the armchair. I think nothing for a while. I am not playing a game of cowards. I won't surrender until this life breaks me into tiny pieces and life in each piece surrenders. Introspecting, I suddenly realize I'm weeping, silently. The warmth of the tear rolling down my cheek makes me realize the value of tears- The tears of my loved ones which will flow when I'm gone. Looking down at the imprint of the teardrop, I see two sleeping pills lying besides the chair. I looked at my hand, open…empty.
I took this as a sign. A sign from God, motivating me to carry on. Life has its share of challenges. What matters is my outlook towards those, whether I perceive them as boulders or gateways. No. I decided. I will not allow situations in life to change the way I think. Situations are meant to be created, not to be accepted the way they are.
I wanted to commit suicide but...a New Life has just begun….
“Life, I challenge you to try me
Doom me to unending pain,
Stay my hand, becloud my vision,
Break my heart, and then, again…
Shatter every dream I've cherished,
Fill my heart with ruthless fear,
Follow every smile that cheers me,
With a bitter, blinding fear
Thus I can dare you- You can try me
Seek to make me cringe and moan
Still my unbound soul defies you,
I will withstand you- and ALONE."
